


First Year as a Luthor

by Bara_no_Uta



Series: no light in your bright green eyes [1]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Emotional neglect, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gen, Self-Doubt, at least Lex loves her, for now, little Lena
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-27
Updated: 2017-02-27
Packaged: 2018-09-27 07:16:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9982454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bara_no_Uta/pseuds/Bara_no_Uta
Summary: Snippets from the first year after Lena's adoption.





	

**Author's Note:**

> (Content warning for a few incidents of swearing. Not at Lena, but in the narrative.)  
> Hoo boy, this series is going to be intense. Watching the way Lillian treated Lena in "Luthors" was incredibly disturbing. Every interaction we've ever seen between the two of them has been Lillian manipulating her, insulting her, being otherwise outright abusive (most notably the "you have nobody but me" thing in the van), or some combination of. Not to mention that she doesn't give a single flying fuck about Lena being hurt and then leaves her for dead when Metallo is about to explode. I can't help thinking about what Lena's life must have been like growing up. Needless to say it isn't a pretty picture.  
> This is part of a series that will probably be six parts, all of which could be standalones. The entirety of it is mapped out and the final part is already written.  
> Anyway. Writing a four year old was interesting. You'll see Lena quite quickly go from roughly an average four year old (albeit one who's a complete genius) to acting fairly mature for her age, because growing up as a Luthor forced her to grow up too fast like that. But that doesn't mean she's always entirely logical, because that would be ridiculous. She's still four.

            It’s Lena’s first night in the Luthor household. She was put into what was formerly a guest bedroom, enormous and impersonal. The deep reds and mahogany is a sharp contrast from her pastel bedroom at home, and everything seems angular, like it could hurt her. On top of that, the queen-sized bed is enormous to such a small body, and the blanket is stiff from disuse. None of her things are here, and nobody has told her whether she’ll get them back. All she has is the clothes she was able to fit into her backpack, the bright pink backpack, and her teddy bear.

            Her new father showed her to the room, and now he’s about to turn off the light. Her new mother stands in the doorway. She hasn’t said anything.

            “Daddy?” Lena calls out, her voice small. The word feels unfamiliar. She’s never had a father before. “I’m scared of the dark.”

            He looks at her mother, whose lips are pressed into a thin line. Lena doesn’t even have the word in her vocabulary yet, but she can see the contempt and it makes her shrink further.

            Her father is a little kinder. “It won’t hurt you. Can you be a big girl for us and sleep with the light off?”

           She wants to tell him no, she’s scared. But she’s little and desperate for approval, so she can’t find the words. Instead, Lena just hugs her bear tighter. “Okay.”

            “There’s a good girl.” He smiles at her and turns out the light.

            As they leave, Lena hears her mother give an exasperated sigh. She only understands that her mother is unhappy with her, and that she’s scared but nobody is protecting her.

            “It’s okay,” she whispers to her bear. “The dark won’t hurt us…”

* * *

 

            “My mommy—my old mommy—is up in Heaven,” Lena explains the next day, her new mother and brother with her at the breakfast table. She still thinks of her birth mother as her mother and this woman as her _new_ mother, but she instinctively knows that this is something she should not say.

            “Your _old mother_ ,” the response she receives emphasizes, “is dead.”

            She bites her lip. “Miss Charlotte told me that she’s in a place called Heaven where dead people go, and her heart is still with me.”

            Lillian doesn’t know who Miss Charlotte is, and she doesn’t care. She doesn’t want her new “daughter” entertaining what she deems to be delusions, and she sure as hell doesn’t want the woman who stole her husband’s heart involved in her daughter’s life from beyond the grave. Lena’s maternal loyalties, in her mind, should be to her and her only. “Heaven doesn’t exist. Your dead mother doesn’t either.”

            Lena’s only saving grace in this moment is that she’s too young to fully grasp the permanence of death. She hasn’t yet completely wrapped her head around how somebody can be alive one day, then just cease to exist. And for that reason, the loss still has yet to catch up to her in its entirety.

* * *

 

            Lillian is utterly sick of Lena carrying around that damned bear. She loathes the thing, knowing it’s from Lena’s _mother_. Lionel is working late again and she decides it’s time to take things into her own hands.

            Lena has been in the Luthor household for a week. She has learned that she’s never getting her old things back. They’re not good enough, not expensive enough for a Luthor. At four years old, she hears that her mother has effectively rejected her things, and it feels exactly like a rejection of her entire self. She’s begun to realize that her new mother doesn’t love her, and she wonders what’s wrong with herself that even her own mother can’t love her.

            But she has her brother. Lex loves her, and she loves Lex. Her mother doesn’t really seem to like them spending time together unless they’re playing chess, or other fun games like that, but even if that’s all they can usually do, he spends that time with her.

            She also has her teddy bear. He’s the only thing she has left of her real mother, and he’s the only one to comfort her when she’s scared at night. He loves her, she’s sure. She carries him everywhere, even at meals.

            That said, there have to be some exceptions. Lena is just returning to the living room after using the bathroom when she sees her mother carrying her bear and walking out the front door.

            She gets a scared feeling in her tummy that she doesn’t understand. “Where are you taking Hugo?”

            Her mother turns around just enough to look at her. “You’re too old for this childish thing. You’re a Luthor now – you need to stop acting like a baby.”

            “Wh-Where are you taking him?” she asks again, her lower lip wobbling.

            She scoffs. “Outside. To the trash.”

            “Please don’t!” she cries out, but she knows it’s futile. Her mother is already out the door, returning a minute later and looking pleased with herself. Lena breaks into sobs, arms wrapping around her small body with nothing else to hold onto for comfort. Her crying is noisy, not having learned yet how to hold back, and when she looks up, blatant disgust and disdain is clear in her mother’s expression.

            “I told you to stop acting like a baby.”

            “I’m sorry,” she says, even though she doesn’t understand what she has done wrong. She just wants her teddy bear back. But Lena doesn’t bother pleading, because she has already figured out that nothing she says is going to change it.

            “Do you think this is how a Luthor acts? Do you think this family is that pathetic?”

            She hiccups, shaking her head only because she knows it’s the response her mother wants. She only cries harder, because she doesn’t _understand_. Does her mother hate her because she’s crying? Is there something wrong with her that makes her mother hate her? Lena can barely breathe through her sobs.

            “Oh, for god’s sake.” She folds her arms, critical and full of contempt again. “Go to your room. You can come back out again when you’re ready to act like a human being.”

            Lena retreats to her room, still not understanding what she has done wrong to deserve this. In her room, she crawls under the bed and hugs her knees to her chest, crying into them as an inadequate substitute for her bear. It’s dusty and she knows her mother will be angry at her for getting her clothes dirty, but it’s already too late now.

            Lena emerges from her room some time later when she smells dinner. Her mother takes one look at her disheveled appearance, dusty clothes, red eyes and tear-stained cheeks and becomes harsh again. “No. I don’t want to deal with an infant – I’m only interested in a Luthor. Go wash your face.”

            She understands from this that crying is shameful and ought to be hidden.

            “Mom…” Lex tries. He may not have learned much of sympathy, but he does have some toward his little sister, who is really barely more than a toddler.

            Lena runs to him and throws her arms around him, hiding her face in his shirt.

            He has just begun to reciprocate the hug when their mother scolds, “Now you’ve gotten his clothes all dirty! This is not how a Luthor behaves.” She has yet to outright tell Lena that she is a disappointment or that they never should have adopted her – those would come later – but the message comes through all the same. “Go to bed.”

            She looks at the table, but she doesn’t ask for clarification. She understands that there will be no dinner for her tonight. Her tummy doesn’t feel well anyway, so she just nods and goes to wash her face.

            Lena uses the warmest water she can stand, and she scrubs her face with the washcloth until it’s red and painful. It’s about more than just the tears. She doesn’t know quite what she’s trying to wash away.

* * *

 

            She’s had a good day today. Her parents are at work but Lex is off school today, so Lena got to play with him for hours. He even made her paper dolls that they got to play with, without their mother there to scold the non-intellectual activity, which she certainly would have deemed a waste of time.

            When her mother gets home, Lena forgets herself. She’s had such a good day, and something in her thinks that if her and Lex are in such a good mood, everybody else must be, too. Beaming, she runs up and gives her mother a hug. “Mom!” She’s taken to calling her ‘Mom,’ because her ‘old mommy’ is still her _mommy_.

            Her mother stiffens, places her hands on Lena’s shoulders, and pushes her away. “Hello, Lena,” she sighs. She smiles only when she sees Lex. “Lex, how was your day off school? Did you get much studying done?”

            He smiles back. “Yes, of course. I spent the day on the most important things.”

            “Good,” their mother says.

            But Lena beams, because she knows that Lex didn’t study much at all today. He spent the day with her. Her mother’s rejection still stings, but she has Lex.

* * *

 

            Lena is rushing down the stairs, excited. Lex has just called up to her to tell her it’s time for her daily piano practice.

            Without warning, she slips. It isn’t far to the bottom, but her heart seems to stop in fear as she tumbles. She hits a small stand and the floor, then hears a crash. It’s no surprise that she bursts into tears.

            Her mother comes to see what’s going on. Lena is crying on the floor by the foot of the stairs and the vase is broken. “Lena!” she scolds, her voice raised.

            Lena flinches. “M-Mom…” She tries to sit up, but winces and stops. Her leg hurts, and while it’s nothing more than a scrape and bruising, it’s the worst physical pain she remembers feeling in her few years of life.

            “What have I told you about running on the stairs? You careless girl!”

            She wipes at her tears, trying hard to stop them. “I-I’m sorry…” She just wants a hug and her mother to kiss it better. When her mommy had seen her get hurt, she would kiss it and the pain would go away. Her mommy had told her that it was a mother’s magic. By that logic, her mother should be able to as well, and she wonders if she can make her un-angry, maybe she will.

            “You’re lucky Lionel wanted to take you in,” she hisses, making no move to so much as help Lena up. With that, she turns her back and leaves. There’s no need to hammer it in further, which will only distract from what she’s really getting at.

            And Lena knows. She knows exactly what her mother meant, and for the first time, she realizes that her mother really and truly does not want her. She’s nearly sobbing now, but she knows her mother will only hate her more if she does, so she tries her hardest to hold back.

            Once he’s sure their mother is out of earshot, Lex hurries to Lena, wanting to soothe her tears before their mother comes back to clean up the vase shards. “Shh, shh.”

            It’s more silencing than comforting, but she knows he’s right. She needs to be quiet and stop crying before their mother finds out. She holds her small arms out for a hug, and he accepts.

            Lex picks her up and places her on the stairs. “Let me see your leg,” he says gently.

            She makes no objection, even as sitting on the stairs scares her a little right now.

            Looking at her leg, he quickly sees that it isn’t anything serious. He hadn’t thought it would be, but now he can reassure her. “It must hurt a lot,” he validates, because even if it would be nothing to him, he recognizes that it’s different for Lena at only four years old. “But I promise, it’ll feel all better soon. So don’t cry, okay?”

            She nods, sniffling.

            Their mother appears in the doorway, broom and dustpan in tow. “Lex, Sweetie, I know you’re trying to be kind, but don’t waste that on her when she’s like this. Someone needs to teach her to be a proper Luthor, and she’ll never learn if you keep coddling her.”

            His shoulders slump. “I’m sorry, Mom.” Not knowing what else to do, he stands.

            “Now Lena, go do your piano practice while I clean up the mess you made.” Doing it herself rather than making Lena do it isn’t out of kindness. She doesn’t want to have to deal with Lena getting hurt _again_ on the broken glass.

            Lena nods again, holding onto the railing for support as she stands. Her legs are shaky from the fear, the pain of falling, or both, but she tries her hardest to be brave as she walks to the piano all alone.

* * *

 

            Lena turns five today. She wakes up and bounces out of bed, because it’s her _birthday!_ Her favorite day of the year!

            “Good morning!” she greets her mother and Lex as she sits down to breakfast. …It seems like it’s just normal breakfast, but that’s okay! She can’t wait until the cake and presents. No one has said anything about a party, but everybody is busy, and she doesn’t have any friends to invite anyway.

            “You seem chipper this morning,” her mother comments dryly. It sounds like she’s annoyed by it.

            “Uh-huh,” she agrees, though she can tell her mother isn’t happy about it. …Maybe she just forgot. Everybody is so busy, after all… “I’m five years old!”

            She gives what sounds like a long-suffering sigh. “And I’m 34. What’s your point?”

            Lena begins to shrink in her chair. “Today is my birthday,” she tries again.

            For her, that’s just another reminder of Lena’s birth mother, and her demeanor becomes even icier than usual. “And?”

            She shrinks further as understanding sets in. There won’t be any celebrations for her this year. “Nothing, Mom,” she says to placate her. She doesn’t want her mother to get angry with her. She’s never been struck, but her mother’s anger terrifies her.

            Nobody says anything about Lena’s birthday. In bed that night, Lena wonders if her mother wishes she was never born. Maybe she does. A strange, foreign thought comes to her, wondering if she should feel the same way. Lena doesn’t understand that thought or know what to do with it – it isn’t like she can be un-born. Even if maybe that’s what would make her mother happy…

            Her thoughts are interrupted by her door opening. Lex slips in, a finger pressed to his lips to remind her not to say anything. He managed to get a cupcake without getting caught, which is still in the plastic box it came in.

            She sits up, waiting as he comes closer. Her eyes sparkle as she sees the cupcake. It’s small, but it’s more than she thought she would get, and the gesture means more to her than she has the words to express.

            “Happy birthday, Sis.” He grins, though his voice is a whisper. “I don’t have a candle, but pretend and make a wish?”

            Lena closes her eyes. _I wish for Mom to love me. I wish for Lex to stay with me forever._ The thoughts come to her at the same time, so she accepts them both as her wish. When she opens her eyes, she smiles and reaches for the cupcake. “Is it okay not to share?” she asks worriedly. It feels wrong for Lex not to have anything.

            He ruffles her hair. “Don’t worry. It’s your birthday.”

            She beams. Lex wants her here. Lex is happy she was born. As Lena eats the cupcake, she thinks that this might be the happiest she’s been since her adoption.

            It still stings, months and months later, when Lex’s birthday is highly celebrated.

* * *

 

            Lena comes back from her first day of kindergarten smiling. She’s the only one in her class who can already read, and she’s proud of how she’s excelling. The other kids didn’t talk to her much at all, and even the teachers never really interacted with her that much, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that maybe her mother will hear this and be proud of her.

            “Mom, guess what?” she asks before beginning to ramble unbidden about her day.

            Her mother doesn’t even hear her out. “Lena, I’m _busy_.”

            Lena’s shoulders slump. “I thought you would be happy,” she admits in a tiny voice. She knows she shouldn’t say it. She knows by now that it won’t change the fact that her mother is not happy.

            Her words are met only with a sigh. Lena doesn’t understand what caused it, but she feels – not for the first time – like a disappointment.

            When Lex gets home, their mother asks him all about his first day of 8th grade.

* * *

 

            It’s Lena’s first Mother’s Day since losing her mommy. She makes her mother a card in school, ignoring the ache as she knows it will never be good enough or make her mother love her.

            When she delivers it, her mother is even more unhappy than she had realized. “Did you make this because you wanted to, or because you had no choice?” she asks, critical.

            “I wanted to!” It’s a lie, but she’ll say anything to make her mother less upset with her.

            It doesn’t work. She only scoffs. “I know you still see _that woman_ as your real mother. We took you in, gave you a roof over your head, and how do you repay us?”

            When her mother simply turns her back and walks away, Lena hangs her head. She doesn’t understand what she has done wrong again. There must just be something _wrong with her_. Otherwise, her mother would love her.

            She keeps the tears in until bedtime, knowing that getting caught crying will only bring her more pain. She crawls under her bed and presses her face into her pillow, doing her best to muffle the sounds.

            _Why did you leave me, Mommy? I miss you. I need you…_

            Her mommy left her, and her mother doesn’t love her. There must be something wrong with her. It’s the only explanation she can think of.

            Lena cries herself to sleep. The next day, she gets scolded when her puffy eyes give her away.

* * *

 

            It’s been one year since Lena was adopted.

            Her mother says nothing, so she doesn’t either. She knows it’s no cause for celebration. She knows that her mother wishes she had never been adopted. She knows she isn’t wanted or loved by her.

            But that night, Lex sneaks into her room again with a small teddy bear. “Do you know what happened one year ago?” he whispers, sitting on the edge of her bed.

            “I was adopted, and Mom wishes I hadn’t been.”

            He can’t argue that, but he holds out the bear. “I’m glad you’re my sister.”

            She accepts the bear, hugging it tightly. It isn’t as big as her old bear, and it makes her heart ache for him all over again. But this bear is a reminder that Lex loves her.

            Lena can’t sleep with her new bear, Luna, for fear of her mother discovering her when coming to wake Lena, as she does on school days. But that’s okay. She knows that Luna is there, and when she hides under her bed to cry, she isn’t alone anymore.

            (Luna makes it a few months before getting discovered in her hiding place under Lena’s bed. No matter Lena’s pleading, her mother discards the bear. Lena cries in front of her again and is sent to bed without dinner.)


End file.
